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I don't know what it is about eggnog, but I could drink that stuff until I bloated into a round soggy bag jetting a constant exit stream out my nostrils. I was in the grocery store last night, and every year I forget that they produce eggnog for a limited time just before Thanksgiving, and I saw it, and I went crazy and executed savage judo chops all over the elderly woman standing near the display and she went down flailing her cane at me but I dived at those 1 litre cartons like I was scoring the winning behind in the aussie rules match against the Western Bulldogs, and gathered them into my arms and crashed into the yoghurt section wallowing in noggy goodness and they were mine all mine, and I embarrassed my wife, I think. But who cares what she thinks! And that old lady was asking for it, because everyone knows eggnog is a full-contact sport.

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